What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer!! (no idea)
Will you remember me in a month?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Will you remember me in two years?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I thought you would remember me!!!
What happens when you cross a friend and a calculator?
You get a friend you can count on!!!
Why do people put fences around cemetaries?
Because people are dying to get in there!!!
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.” The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice.
The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.” “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching on Wednesday.”
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started…….the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts” and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem …he yelled, “Down Nuts”. And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts.” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts!!!” and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a soda and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, “What in the world happened?”
The assistant replied, “Well, everything was going just fine until a vendor passed by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!'”
